Wow, Circling is a Very Good Group Therapy, And I'm Really Surprised By My Own Thoughts And Feelings
What circling is, my experience with it, and some of the effects it has had on me.
TLDR;
- Circling is an activity that trained me to understand what it is like to experience my thoughts and feelings, and the feelings of others.
- I was surprised by how much I enjoyed circling.
- Circling decreased my hunger and made me more charismatic.
- Wow, I'm much more sensitive to my jealousy and the negative beliefs about myself.
I had my first couple of experiences with circling, and it was plausibly the best experiment I've done this year. I'd like to share what it is, how it went, and how it changed me.
What is Circling?
Circling is a group exercise to understand how oneself and others in the group experience the world. Effective group sizes are between 3 and 12 people, but I find it is most fun and rewarding with groups of 3 to 5. Circling happens in a somewhat cozy space, with everyone facing each other, and with a facilitator who starts the session and is extra mindful about helping others get into a good mental space.
Circling feels halfway between a group conversation and group therapy. Any move is a "valid" move in circling. You can get up, lie down, do a random dance, take a nap.1
I'd recommend coming in with an intention of something that is on your mind. Perhaps there's someone in the circle that you're particularly curious about, or there is something that is bothering you that you'd like have others process it with you.
Norms
Prescribed Language
When circling there is some prescribed language, whose purpose is to have a separation between your identity and your feelings. This initially feels weird, but my experience is that a key part of circling is having this separation between yourself, your feelings, and what is "true".
| normie | circle prescribed |
|---|---|
| I am feeling X | I am noticing a feeling X |
| I think X | I have a story that X |
| Why do you think X? | I am noticing I'm curious about why you think X |
Role of the facilitator
In circling, there is a facilitator. The facilitator's role is to be an extra mindful participant, to set common knowledge for the group, and keep track of time. The facilitator is not responsible for how the group feels or what happens in the circle. The facilitator is on an equal playing field with all the other participants.
Other norms
- Own your feelings, and be honest about them: we all have feelings and thoughts that we may judge as being good or bad. Noticing these thoughts is great! I empower you to share some of these thoughts with the circle, and you may gain some interesting information. Perhaps other people are feeling the same way; or perhaps you may learn that you are the only one thinking in this way. No matter what you do, you gain information that would be very difficult to do in the real world. Using the language of "I am noticing a part of me feels X" would be useful.
- Separate your identity from your feeling: One of my best takeaways from circling was to learn not to identify with my feelings, but instead dive into them with curiosity. Why did part of me express that thought or feeling? That is interesting.
- You do not need to respond to what others say: Person A may say, "I'm curious why you're feeling X." Remember they are expressing curiosity, not obligating you to share your feelings. You do not need to feel bad for not wanting to share! You could respond by saying, "I am noticing hesitancy to share that."
- Be comfortable going meta: In the previous example, Person A may respond with "I'm curious why you feel hesitancy to share that"; you may then respond with why you feel hesitancy, and then the group now has a better idea of how you experience the world!
- No thought or feeling is 'right' or 'wrong'.
- Radical candor is encouraged: if you notice a feeling, you can share it
- Privacy: Be mindful of the privacy of others when you talk about your (hopefully) amazing circling experience in the real world. A good default is Chatham House rules.
My Experience with Circling
While Circling
After 20-30 minutes of circling I have a feeling of comfort and warmth in my body, as if being held by my mother. I find myself able to exist in my body, lay down on a couch, ask for hugs from my friends. I then find myself sensitive to my emotions. I notice myself feeling a tinge of jealousy when I do not receive a compliment and someone else does. I notice embarrassment when a request I make gets rejected. I feel love towards others when they mention something they are struggling with. I quickly feel connected with everyone in the circle.
After Circling
When I first started circling, saying "I'm noticing a feeling X" instead of "I am feeling X" just felt like additional friction. However, in my second circling session, something clicked, and I understood what it meant to separate oneself from one's feelings. Up until then, I logically understood why my emotions are not "me", but I didn't internalize it. I am now capable of noticing thoughts and feelings, and I'm constantly surprising myself!2
I notice myself being much more mindful, which has many benefits:
Journal entries I wrote about after circling
I had a super weird experience after circling. The day after circling, on both occasions, I did not feel that hungry. This effect has lasted somewhat even now, 3 days after the last time I circled. This is incredibly huge for me, as I struggle with managing my eating habits.
<<<<<<< circling-memo.md (local)
I also just ate lunch, and I did not feel like eating a lot of food, which is very different from my typical way of doing things... I feel like I'm able to feel my hunger signals now, which is super weird. I was not expecting this effect of circling. I'm able to be full now. I don't feel like I'm overfed. I'm just behaving normally, which is super cool. ||||||| last synced
I also just ate lunch, and I did not feel like eating a lot of food, which is very different from my typical way of doing things... **I feel like I'm able to feel my hunger signals now, which is super weird. I was not expecting this effect of circling.** I'm able to be full now. I don't feel like I'm overfed. I'm just behaving normally, which is super cool.=======
I also just ate lunch, and I did not feel like eating a lot of food, which is very different from my typical way of doing things... **I feel like I'm able to feel my hunger signals now, which is super weird. I was not expecting this effect of circling.** I'm able to be full now. I don't feel like I'm overfed. I'm just behaving normally, which is super cool.
Google Doc
Also, the day after circling, I went to the YMCA to hit a run, and I crushed it. I didn't listen to any music. When I came back to the office, someone commented that I was the "sweatiest person [he] has seen in [his] entire life". I wrote this in my journal afterward:
<<<<<<< circling-memo.md (local)
Part of it, I think, was related to circling yesterday, how I felt that my emotional pain has been dissolved a little bit and that made it easier to run. I was running without listening to anything, without being distracted. I wonder if that led to me being able to run further. I'm definitely seeing an improvement in my ability to notice how I'm feeling based on circling. ||||||| last synced
Part of it, I think, was related to circling yesterday, **how I felt that my emotional pain has been dissolved a little bit and that made it easier to run**. I was running without listening to anything, without being distracted. I wonder if that led to me being able to run further. **I'm definitely seeing an improvement in my ability to notice how I'm feeling based on circling.**=======
Part of it, I think, was related to circling yesterday, **how I felt that my emotional pain has been dissolved a little bit and that made it easier to run**. I was running without listening to anything, without being distracted. I wonder if that led to me being able to run further. **I'm definitely seeing an improvement in my ability to notice how I'm feeling based on circling.**
Google Doc
The next day, I had a deep sense of relaxation. I didn't feel my typical nervous energy. I was moving slowly and was more present in the moment.
Something else I noticed is a feeling of relaxation, and that nervous energy has left my body. I feel I am just moving slower and I am more present in the moment.
I also noticed a jealousy in myself that another in the circle pointed out. I did not realize this mental pattern in myself: that I am someone who takes my own flaws very personally. If I am not at a level I deem desirable, I take responsibility for it.